Victoria's Wireless

I rather detest shopping for new cell phones.

Mom-E feels the same about Victoria's Secret.

(But we both love Fatherhood Friday over at dad-blogs.com. Check it out!)

At first glance, these first two places have nothing in common. Give them a closer look and they're strikingly similar. Let's compare.

1. Both have very pushy sales people, who bombard you the moment you walk in the store and want you to sell you something expensive, regardless of what you, the customer, actually want.

Examples:
1a. You walk into Victoria's Secret, and instantly a saleswoman mobs you saying, "Omygosh, you just have to try on this new Double-Back Racer-Back Super Silicone Bra. It goes SOOO well with all the new summer fashions."

"But I'm a guy, and I'm here to redeem my wife's card for a free pair of underwear. She doesn't own any of those kinds of tops."

"Yeah, I think the Double-Back Racer-Back will work great for her."

"Help! My IQ is plummeting as we speak."

1b. You walk into Verizon Wireless to upgrade your phone. The sales clerk says, "I think you need this new Boisenberry Hurricane phone, and today only you can get a special plan with 1,000,000 anytime minutes and unlimited media for only $19,999 per month."

"But I just want a cheap phone. Give me the fewest anytime minutes and let me pay per text. That's all. It's going to break 2 months before I'm eligible for a new phone anyway."

"So do you want one Boisenberry or two?"

"I don't know. It depends on whether the first one breaks when I hit you with it."

2. They make all of their money with the "extras."

2a. At Verizon, you can pretty much get 2 new phones for free with upgrades and rebates. But, by the time you get a new car charger, case, headset, etc., you still end up dropping $100. Because, of course, they keep changing the USB cables so that NONE of your old stuff is compatible. I'd almost give them $100 just to let me out of the store more quickly. Almost.

2b. At Victoria's Secret, the card for the free underwear is just to get you in the door. When you walk in, you pass through some special ionizing radiation that causes your lady's bra to break, right there in the store. Suddenly, a trip for free underwear turns into $100 for one of those "Double-Back Racer-Back" things, which will break the next time you get another free underwear coupon.

(As a guy, I have a hard time understanding this phenomenon. I buy my underwear in a package at Target. For what it costs for a bra for Mom-E, I can buy like 20 pairs of underwear. I'm glad I'm a guy.)

You're thinking, what exactly does this have to do with fatherhood and children?

Truthfully, not much, except that we took the boys to Verizon the other night shopping for new phones. Fortunately, my two technophiles LOVED it.

Earlier in the day, my phone died. Check that, my replacement phone died. My original phone died, you guessed it, 2 months before we were elegible for an upgrade. Fortunately, Aunt-E's husband let me borrow his old phone, which lasted until just after we were eligible for upgrades. Check that, I had to borrow a battery from my father-in-law, because the battery in the replacement phone lasted about 5 minutes (so long as you didn't use the phone).

Are you beginning to see why I despise cell phone shopping?

(Now you're thinking, so that's why Dad-E took Mom-E's cell phone for a little ride.)

While we were waiting, some highlights of the boys' activities:
1. Big Brother activated a VERY LOUD alarm while trying to free a phone from its display, requiring an employee to turn it off.

2. Little Brother turned on a phone's MP3 player, again VERY LOUD, that took
Mom-E and I a full 2 minutes to turn off.

3. Both boys tested the tensile strength of the security cord attaching the phone to its display. Repeat for every phone in the store. And pushed all of the buttons.

4. Big Brother had to go potty. Twice. You guessed it. Of course, this
required an employee escort. The clerk actually asked me, "Are you going to go with him?" "No, I'm going to let a 4 year-old wander alone in the back room of a store and try to find the potty himself when he has to pee RIGHT NOW. Do you have any extra Boisenberry Hurricanes back there?"

5. Little Brother spilled Crispix crumbs all over the carpet (as a "thank you" for the high quality service, I presume.) To paraphrase Phoebe Buffet, "I wish I felt bad about the mess, but I didn't want to."

SO WHAT'S THE SOLUTION?

I think the two stores should merge. Call it either Verizon's Secret or Victoria's Wireless (I kinda like the latter).

They can continue to sell both phones and underwear, but they can also develop a line of (expensive) integrated products, like underwear with built in phone/blue-tooth.

If we're lucky, the two stores will annihilate each other in the merger.

Have a good weekend (we'll be shopping for "Double-Back Racer-Backs"),
Busy-Dad-E