Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Eviction Notice

Dear Bab-E Brother,

This letter serves as your official notice of eviction from your residence at:

3 Birth Canal Court
Mom-E's Uterus, Her Body 00001

You are currently in violation of the Human Conception Residence Act, which you signed (okay we signed by proxy for you) at creation.

For approximately the past 9 months, you have resided at the above address without rendering so much as a single penny of payment, nor have you even made so much as an attempt to secure employment in order to pay rent.

You have therefore forfeitted your non-refundable deposit, according to the terms of the above act.

Meanwhile, your "partying" has cost your lanlord $1000's in medical expenses.

Your landlord has provided us with photographic evidence of the following violations of your lease agreement:
1. Exhibitionism.
2. Construction of an indoor swimming pool without proper permit.
3. Public intoxication (why else would anyone drink their own pee?)

Additionally, your landlord has provided documentation of the following collateral damages
1. Her pants keep falling down.
2. Her shirts keep riding up.
3. Simple battery (multiple, multiple counts).
4. A general lack of appropriately fitting clothes.
5. Alternating ear congestion and acid reflux with sitting/standing and lying down, respectively, such that no position is comfortable.
6. Fatigue within 30 minutes of awakening.
7. Chronic eczema.

If you do not comply with this notice and evacuate your current residence by December 31st of this year (so that your landlord may recoup at least some of their losses via tax deduction), your landlord reserves the right to attempt to remove you through spicy food, bumpy car rides, draining your swimming pool with a crochet hook or any other means necessary.

If you do not cease and desist despite these attempts by your landlord, they reserve the right to have the neighborhood physician smoke you out involuntarily.

The Management (Mom-E and Dad-E)


  1. The end of pregnancy is so long! I never considered an eviction notice, though bumpy car rides and spicy foods were definitely used.

  2. Dude.. We're in the same boat...

    While I care not for a tax deduction.. The insurance deductible starts over on Jan 1.

    That day never seemed so close in my life..

    Hope baby comes soon..

    Just not when Santa is coming.

  3. I also tried to serve eviction notices, but the tenant always feigned not be able to speak, understand or read English.
    It's almost impossible to get them out once they have moved in, even with court judgments. I couldn't even get one(Monkey Weasel) evicted after she broke one of my ribs my wrapping her toes around it and swinging as if on monkey bars constantly. It's how she earned the nickname.

  4. I should have visited the restroom before I read this one...just kidding. Yes, Bab-E, please vacate the premises and come out and see us. We can't wait to see you!!!!

  5. Funny post, but I know you are serious. I hope you are able to get the most for your money with a quick eviction.

  6. The Oldest totally ignored her eviction notice. She was forced out. Neither she nor I were happy with the eviction process. So, I hope Bab-E comes on his own and quickly for all concerned.

  7. I hope Bab-E comes on his own and quickly for all concerned.