Thursday, June 23, 2011

Yellow River Road Trip

Happy Fatherhood Friday everyone!

How glad am I that, formerly is back?

So glad that, in fact, I think I wet my pants.

Which, if you could tell from the post title, was the theme from our recent mini-vacation.

Recently, Aunt-E celebrated a milestone birthday (25 again), and so Mom-E's entire family headed off for a long weekend vacation stressing the word long over vacation.

Our destination was about 240 miles away from home, and the trip there

So eventful that I'm contemplating added a semi-automatic feature to my Benadryl Dart-Gun (patent pending).

In the words of Mitch Hedberg, I just want to clarify that last joke by saying, "I'm just joking. That's right, fully, not semi-automatic"

We left about 9:30 in the morning.

Given that our mini-van would play host to several Board members of the "Small Bladder Club", I advised the Board to recite their pledge in front of the potty before we departed.

First stop was 5 minutes later at CVS for diapers for Bab-E Brother (admittedly a planned stop).

Second stop was 10 minutes later at the "Pupp-E Spa" to drop off Pupp-E (also planned).

Thereafter, it was time to motor towards our destination.

We managed to motor about 20 minutes before the Board called an emergency meeting.

"Dad-E, I have to pee."

Wanting to keep the Board meeting on land and not pee sea, we pulled off at the next exit.

Nature being chock-full-o the irony at the start of the weekend, the first place to go pee was McDonald's.

I pull in, knowing the scenario that's about to unfold.

It's 10:40 in the morning. Being so excited about the trip, the boys have primed bladders and tummies filled with only about 2 bites of cereal and 3 swigs of milk. Translation: they no sooner pee than they decide they're ready for lunch.

So while I bang my forehead against the steering column entertain Bab-E Brother, Mom-E plays assistant to the Board and gets them Happy Meals.

Meanwhile (it's now about 11:00 am), I start doing some calculations, nerd that I am.

We've been on the road 1.5 hours and travelled a "grand" total of 30 measly miles. That's 1/8th of the total trip distance, meaning what should be a 4 hour trip is on pace to be a 12 hour "just shoot me" affair.

Now peed out and fueled up, the Board votes to adjourn, and we head back on the road.

We make it LITERALLY ANOTHER 8 MILES UP THE ROAD and the Board calls ANOTHER meeting. Apparently the senior Board member wants to re-review the data presented at the last meeting.

Again, we pull off at the nearest exit, but this time there's absolutely nothing in sight.

So we pull off onto a dirt road and the Board remember reviews the data amidst the bushes and broken bottles.

But at least he was serious about "reviewing the data". He didn't just skim through it. He really had to review in detail. Amazingly. Apparently his kidneys are REALLY, REALLY efficient.

And then by the grace of God, one board member falls asleep, another junior member also falls asleep, and the senior Board member becomes engrossed with Bakugan, Transformers, and whatever else is in his briefcase.

So we make it about 90 more minutes before the administrative assistants decide we need lunch, too.

We stopped at the weirdest combination gas station-Subway-Taco Bell that you ever did see.

We try desperately to persuade the Board to have another meeting due to the convenient time, but they're adamant to the point of screaming that another meeting is unnecessary.

Mom-E and I start to dive into our lunch.

We DON'T EVEN MAKE IT BACK TO THE INTERSTATE before both Board members decide they do, in fact, want to have another meeting.

This time the administrative assistants step in and inform the Board that they're going to have to wait a few darn minutes to prep the meeting room (just a cover to load our Benadryl dart guns).

Seriously, we go about another 10 minutes before pulling into YET ANOTHER MCDONALD'S.

The Board again calls a recess, and we manage to limp our way to the destination (in about 6 hours total), without springing any additional leaks.

One of Big Brother's friend's mom recently emailed Mom-E o say they had a nice time on their recent vacation. They're kids had a great time, and the next time they go on vacation, it will be PARENTS ONLY.

Well said. Well said.

They usually say you need a vacation from your vacation when you get back.

After the trip there, I think we needed a vacation before we even STARTED our vacation.

Have a good weekend,

P.S. The vacation really was quite nice, and fortunately for us, the trip home was much less eventful.


  1. SO glad to be back...and so glad u r back as well...DAD EXCHANGE RULES! LOL! Yay!

    Happy Fatherhood Friday!

  2. This is hilariously written. I am so glad you and the Board finally got there. We had a good time too.
    I'm still laughing...

  3. I have been there and have felt your frustration, but this is wickedly funny!